Okay guys and gals, Valentine’s Day is over and we can settle back down. There’s no real pressure to find someone until at least it warms up out there. And while we’re always on the lookout for that next potential match, I feel like there’s a bit of a breather right now. While we’re in a bit of a lull I wanted to talk about something that all you singles out there may be feeling right now. It’s called Dating Burn Out. This usually occurs right after the times where there’s high pressure to get a date (pre-New Year’s, V-day, summer.) We keep going full blast to the detriment of ourselves and then comes the inevitable crash. For instance if there is a guy who is dreading approaching women, he might need a month to psych himself up to talk to a girl and if that one conversation doesn’t go well, he will withdraw back into his shell. Why? Because he doesn’t want to get hurt. Same way, if a lady goes out on first dates over and over, but isn’t getting second dates, she might feel fatigued and not want to put herself out there in the dating world. That’s a dating burn out. Have you ever had a date scheduled with quite the looker but still didn’t want to move off of the couch? Can you not remember the individual conversations you’ve had on your last three dates? If you are relaxing, do you feel like you’re neglecting your Match or OKCupid account? You my friend may be suffering from DBO!

Burnout is a psychological term for the experience of long-term exhaustion and diminished interest. It is largely an organizational issue caused by long hours, little down time, and continual peer, customer, and superior surveillance. How the stress is processed determines how much stress is felt and how close the person is to burnout. One individual can experience few stressors, but be unable to process the stress well and thus experience burnout. Another person, however, can experience a significant amount of stressors, but process each well, and avoid burnout. We’ve probably all seen this at work. There are some people that just thrive on pressure and deadlines while others seem to visibly wilt and almost break down. Another way to see this is in sports or a club you do, something fun. If there is something that you do that’s purely for the enjoyment of it but after awhile it seems to become something of a chore, you might be getting burned out. I used to play on a pool league here in Hudson County (which I highly recommend) that played on Wednesdays. For years, it was great fun and I looked forward to it every week. As the years wore on and some people couldn’t show and I was tired and work was stressful it changed into a midweek burden and became a commitment. I got so burnt out that I dreading it and finally had to leave.

When it comes to dating, this can happen when you are putting yourself out there too much. Because dating is such an emotional event, we get invested in it. Even before the date there’s the initial excitement of finding a hottie, the butterflies as you look forward to the date. Then you’re there and sharing stories, flirting, opening up. And then he or she never calls back and as the days mount, you go from curious to indignant to sad to resigned. All of this constant up and down and uncertainty can take its toll. And this is on top of the physical demands such as staying out late, maybe drinking more than usual, extra hours of commuting, etc… It’s only natural that if you keep pushing yourself, you’re going to hit a wall.

To prevent dating burn out, stop stressing about before your dates. Stop thinking about what might go wrong. Your mind shouldn’t be focused on how hurt you are, if the girl who gave you her number never returned your call. Stop putting high value on things that never might come to fruition. Don’t think “They are the best guy/girl for me” before you even have a first date. Go on a date and then decided if she is the girl for you.

Yet, if you did hit burn out area and now you are never in the mood to go out and mingle, be conscious that this is a passing emotion. You should go to a few parties to meet and mingle. Don’t put high pressure on yourself to meet someone, go to a party to enjoy the atmosphere. Become less outcome oriented and you will notice that as you stop beating yourself up for the dates that were bound to fail, you will enjoy more the meeting and dating process and will have a much happier life. Amusez-vous bien!

As a dating coach, this is the lament I hear from guys all the time. In fact, many of my clients have been the aforementioned nice guys, who couldn’t take being a punching bag anymore. One of the most useless pieces of advice they would get would be “be yourself” which apparently indicated that they weren’t themselves to begin with. Which is semi right. We men are simple creatures, regardless of what you ladies might think. If you tell us something, we believe it. “No. Nothing’s wrong,” means exactly that to us when you say it. So imagine how confused the guys become when they feel they’ve done everything you’ve intimated and then you zig when they think you’re going to zag.

What does that jerk have that makes him be more popular with women than you, the nice guy? This is an age old question. Thankfully, due to years of experience as dating coach I have a very simple answer. Let me break it down for you. Women are driven by emotions. They have huge reservoirs of emotion that will influence their conscious and unconscious thoughts and actions. The jerk unknowingly triggers a lot of these.

Ok ladies, now I’m going to make some generalizations. I know all of you are wonderful, unique beings and this may not apply to you, but for the purpose of helping out some fellas out there, bear with me. The female mind is a labyrinthine puzzle. According to Erica Löfström’s doctoral dissertation Intuition and Analysis at Work, The Role of Cognitive Style in Experiences of Work Contexts (along with many other studies), women’s brains have proven to be more analytical than the man’s mind. “Women’s analytical approach has to do with cognitive confidence. It seems that women often have to justify their views more thoroughly than men. This may be due to women’s historical position in working life”, says Löfström. They can multi-task better than us also. The female mind is a very busy, very scrutinizing place. Now how does this affect the dating world?

A nice guy is usually too flexible, almost spineless. You need a ride to the doctor’s office? Sure thing! Can’t make our date tonight and want to reschedule? Not a problem! The problem with being too flexible is that flexible is predictable. There is nothing to figure out, nothing to occupy the mind. The lady knows exactly what you’re going to do, when you’re going to do it. There’s no mystery, no unpredictability. And those two things are what can catch women’s attention. That’s what the jerk unknowingly does. When she calls, she never knows if he’s going to be available or even if he’ll answer the call. That taps into the triggers that get their emotions to act all wacky. It’s not logical or rational, but have you been in an argument with a woman before and won? Even if you win, you still lose. Hint, it’s not rational.

So you don’t need to become a jerk or a player, and let’s be honest, it’s good to be nice guy, but now be a good guy, not nice guy. You just need to become a little more unpredictable. If you are predictable you can easily become boring and boredom is the death knell of chemistry. If you think back, how many times has a woman canceled on you? The likely reason was “no chemistry” but being available didn’t help that chemistry at all. Don’t make plans a week in advance, don’t tell them exactly what you’ll be doing on your date, surprise them with a tasty beverage. There are many ways of being an unpredictable nice guy and that way you are going to win on both fronts!

With Chelsea Clinton recently married, I thought now would be a good time to share something with you that I got many years ago:
(rest of article below letter)

Yes, this is my official rejection letter from asking out the (at the time) First Daughter. In terms of risk, asking out the daughter of the leader of the free world ranks right up there! I have always been a risk taker so this was nothing new for me. In fact, I have probably been turned down, blown-off and epic failed with more women than most people will over their entire lives. But this is also because I take risks. I could try to coast and not really go out on a limb, but you’ll never win big if you don’t go all in.

In the dating world, too many people try to play it safe. I find that people will risk their savings (in the market), risk their car (lending it out), risk their careers (on whistleblowing or lawsuits) but that most people are unwilling to risk their hearts. There is an intense fear of personal failure; that if you are turned down, it means that there is something wrong with you. This far from the case. A puzzle piece is not going to fit with every other piece. It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with that piece, just that the two pieces were not compatible. Luckily there are a lot of puzzle pieces in the box!

If you can get over that fear, your confidence will soar and a whole new world of dating possibilities will be opened to you! Says Andrew: “I saw a girl in Barnes & Nobel I went to grammar school with – she looked HOT. She was in the cafe with some dude. I said hello and sat with them, I didn’t know if this was her husband or what… turned out they just met and he was buying her coffee. I dominated, he ended up leaving, now I’ve been with her for 1.5 years. Normally I wouldn’t talk to a girl flirtatiously if she was with another guy out of respect, but I couldn’t let this one go. And it paid off big time.” I know that a lot of guys automatically assume if a girl is with a guy that they are dating, but think of how many times you’re out with girl friends, your friend’s sister, co-worker, etc… Watch her body language and try to figure it out. Diego puts it a little more succinctly: “I used to have a huge crush on this girl in college. I asked for her number like 10 times but she always refused. 3 years later I run into her in Hoboken, had a few drinks and I said “screw it” and leaned in for a kiss. Worked out great for 7 months after that!” Big risks like that can be hard, but the way I look at it is like this: What’s the worst that could possibly happen? She turns you down and you feel embarrassed and maybe upset for a few minutes, then you forget about it. The best that could happen is unlimited, so logically it makes sense to risk!

Over the years, this coming week has seen its fair share of bravery. Davy Crockett, who made the ultimate sacrifice for his beliefs, was born, as was Virginia Dare, the first documented child to be born to European settlers in America. It is also V-J Day, marking the final end of WWII. A lot of good people sucked up their fears and boldly marched forward. I would love to hear some of the stories you, the readers have of your dating boldness and how it worked out for you. Feel free to email me or comment below.

As for Chelsea, oh well. It looks like she found someone for her. I’m sure her dad is happy….who was also born this week!

So most of your friends are out of town for the weekends at the Jersey Shore, the Hamptons, Dewey Beach or one of the dozens of lakes in New Jersey. During the week they regale you with IMs, texts, emails, wall posts, etc… of all the lovely people they have been meeting. Meanwhile you have been sitting at home wishing you were where all the fun was happening and love connections were igniting. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, look around you at all of the fun stuff and great places to meet people close to home!

For those of you without a car, like yours truly, Zip Car offers a great way to escape the metro area for very reasonable fees! I’ll refrain from regressing into an infomercial but if you can get to Hoboken or Jersey City, there are dozens of cars available for little day trips. Even if you can’t do that, our bus system will get you around pretty easily. For a fun day of eating, shopping and fun, head to the Plaza at The Meadows in Secaucus. Start off with lunch at any of their fun restaurants. Follow up with a matinee movie in the nice cool AC of the movie complex. Do a little shopping afterwards, grab some sushi for dinner and head over to Herbert’s Billiards play some pool or have a drink while watching the current NYC-team’s game.

If you’d rather be out with grass and trees, check out the many parks around. Liberty State Park is easily accessible and there are plenty of events going on there throughout the summer. Personally, I’d take a little bit longer of a trip and bring your date up to Palisades Interstate Park a little bit north in Alpine, near the GWB. They have cycling lanes, fishing spots, picnic areas, guided hikes and scenic overlooks. It’s a great way to spend the day and being around that green really refreshes the soul.

If you’re looking for places to meet that special someone, Hoboken is the place to be. With dozens of bars, pubs, lounges, clubs, dives and hot spots, you can find just about any vibe you’re in the mood for. If you want to get all dolled up and meet some sexy singles, try Madison’s for the bar scene, Lana Lounge if you’re more into clubs and Nine for a great lounge-y feel. Maxwell’s and Whiskey Bar are great for live music and there are plenty of pubs ready for relaxing outside seating and casual atmosphere. Everybody that is out is also in your same boat, so I’m sure everyone is willing to have a good natured bitch session.

If summer’s not summer without putting on a swim suit and getting wet, head over to North Bergen. They have a fantastic pool complex complete with a spray park, community pool and volleyball courts. Only one year old, the complex has won an award from the NJ Parks & Recreation Association for being, well, awesome! Pack a lunch and make a day out of it. Or you can hop over to Tapas De Espana for some great Spanish tapas. I mean, since they won the World Cup, we should all be a little Spain-happy now!

There are so many more things within and close to Hudson County to do whether you are taking a current flame or looking for a new one. Summer makes everyone happier (except when it’s 100+ degrees outside, ugh) and most people would love to have someone to share it with. Don’t bemoan the fact that you are “stuck” here. Most people in the country would LOVE to be where you are! Just do a little research about your local area and I guarantee that you’ll find some great places and fun activities. Then you’ll get to brag to your friends about the hottie you found right next door!

How do you tell if you are congruent or not? When you ask a girl out, do you feel like you are shy or embarrassed when doing it or does it come out confident and nonchalant? If it feels strained you are not congruent and it will affect how many times you talk to women, how you talk to them, how you get numbers, etc… The less congruent you are, the less you will be getting. One of the main issues is that you might not even know that you are in congruency. You may be getting a lot of phone numbers but not getting any dates or you could have a lot of first dates but it doesn’t lead to many second dates. That means something isn’t congruent. She liked you enough for a first date but something you did didn’t jive with her original thoughts.

Okay, so if you think you haven’t been congruent in dating or want to check and see if you are, bring a friend out with you first. Ask him to watch your body language, etc… S/he may see something about how you are presenting yourself that might be sending mixed signals to the object of your desire. It might be something that it easily fixed but chances are it’s fairly ingrained in you if you haven’t been noticing it yourself. One of the things that I suggest is to take an acting course, specifically improv. You may think it has no bearing on real life but trust me, as a former actor it has a profound effect. What is dating except social improv? When you can learn to tamp down your telltale tells and to have the ability to roll with any punch thrown your way, it can vastly increase your congruency. And obviously another way to work on it would be (surprise!) to work with a dating coach. We are trained to see things that you might not see and can find the ways to best help you through it. Are you confident but cannot project your voice? Can you go up to strangers easily but can’t seem to get any phone numbers? Are you a first date whiz but unable to bring it home? These are all things that can be fixed. Together we’ll make you the most congruent BAMF this town has seen!

Come join me and one of my partners this February 10th, for a special single’s night at McSwiggan’s Pub in Hoboken. There will be specials, contests and we’ll be here to answer any questions you might have. More details to follow!

Dating Congruency

Her point is actually salient though. What she was getting at was that so many women and men give themselves absolutely unrealistic standards expectations. While instilling self-confidence in our children, we tell them they can be anything, do anything. In relationships we are often told so often that we should hold out for our “soul mates.” A lot of times I see people looking past the person they are currently with as a stepping stone and don’t take the time to actually BE with that person. With all the Rom-Com movies and Disney princes and princesses we are exposed to growing up, it can lead to unhealthy standards. When out and about on various social endeavors, I love talking to singles about their trials and travails. So often I hear women espouse things like, “He’s got to be over 6 feet, he needs to make more money than me, he needs to bring home little gifts for me….” While those things would be great to have in a partner, many of these women won’t even ENTERTAIN the thought of dating outside of their parameters. Right next to them could be a 5’10” guy, temporarily laid off who is a swell dude and they’d never know it. These same women then start aging, waiting for their prince to ride in and guess what? It’s not going to happen. Then they start looking back at the guy they broke up with because his nose was too big or was still in grad school or any number of little reasons. By the time one ages enough to realize what is important to have in a partner and what is not, we may have passed up many fine catches in pursuit of an ideal, a false idol that cannot possibly exist under the weight of its own attributes. Gottlieb’s point is to not let your life pass by, blind to what is right under your nose. Remember that old quote “shoot for the stars and you just may get the moon?” Always shoot for the stars! Just remember that the moon is a viable option.

Another facet of this emotion is not appreciating what one has at the moment. Not every person we date will be marriage material or even LTR material. It doesn’t mean that we won’t find joy with them or learn about life and ourselves. Too many people focus on the goal and don’t enjoy the journey. Not all of your longest relationships will be your most passionate. The hot, tatted-up bartender may not be someone you could ever bring home to your mother but that doesn’t mean that you can’t take enjoyment from being with them. I get frustrated when I hear someone say, “Well she’s not someone I would marry so I guess I have to break up with her.” Just because the endgame may not be “together forever” with her doesn’t mean you can’t have weeks or months of fun and quality time. Enjoy them for who they are and for what you can learn from the relationship. Everyone on this planet has something they can teach you whether they are in your life for 30 seconds or 30 years. It’s our job to figure out what it is. Without trying to sound trite or talk in generalizations, make sure your standards can be reached. And whatever type of relationship you find yourself in, try to enjoy it for what it is. Good luck in your search!

Why Does “Settling” Have Such Bad Connotations?

No plan

Did you just show up and ask her what she wanted to do? Not a good start. Get a plan in order. If you showed up at your dentist and she asked you what you felt like doing, how would that strike you? It probably wouldn’t fill you with confidence. Be a man with a plan. Tell her, “We’re going _____.” My advice is a coffee shop or something simple, but for heaven’s sake, find a cool, funky one. Avoid chains like Starbucks or Panera. Even if it’s not her preferred place, you’ll get points for having a plan!

Not being a leader

Genetics plays a big part in our interactions. Not your dad or grandfather’s genes; we’re talking 10,000 years ago genes. Back when we were hunters and the women were gatherers, our job was to protect and lead. It’s still the same way. Women want a bold man to lead them. “I want a MAN!” as you have probably heard women say. Not an overbearing man, but one who is confident. Open doors, ask leading questions and know where you’re going and what you’re doing.

A date that goes too long

Sometimes a date can be going so well that you don’t want it to end. This can also be a pitfall. Imagine going to a party where you’re having a blast. The music is great, the wine is flowing like, well, wine and everyone is talking and is interesting. You think about going but decide to stay longer. Then the alcohol runs out, the person who owns the iPod disconnects it and goes home and all the interesting people leave. There you are, with a warm drink, no music and everyone is just milling around. Once you leave, you have a sour taste in your mouth when you think of the party. Same deal here. We usually recommend an hour for your first date. Get in, get out, and leave them wanting more.

A too-complex date

“Okay, first we’re going to grab a drink at McDrinker’s but we have to leave by 8:45 so we can make it in time for the 9 show at the Comedy Club. You wait in line while I go grab movie tickets for the midnight showing of The New Action Movie and I’ll meet you at the table. Try to get one near the back in case the show runs long and we need to duck out early.” While I applaud your leadership skills, over-scheduling and over-committing is never a good thing. It doesn’t give her time to settle in and enjoy herself without thinking of the next thing. Make it fun but relaxing and stress-free. She is there for you; in fact, the whole first date is to get to know each other. If you are doing all this activity, guess what…? By the end of the date you will know as little about her as at the start. Worse, dating is emotional and when our energy and attention unfocused, you are less likely to connect and get to know your date. AKA, it will be your one and only date with her.

Trying for a second date

Everyone wants a second date. Even before she shows up she is hoping there will be a second date in her future. But if you are trying to set up a second date before the first one is even over, it’s not going to look good. First off, you’ll come off as desperate. Like you are trying to lock her in before she realizes you aren’t worth one. Also, on the other side, what if she agrees and later you find out she’s a closet psycho. Leave planning the next date for a phone call a few days later. It is not an interview, and if you treat it as such, you won’t meet anyone of quality. Dating should be and is supposed to be fun and not too serious an experience, especially on the first date. Show your lighter side, enjoy the company and only after the date decide if you will call her or not. Guess what, you just might have so much fun together that decision has already been made for you!

If you would like to learn more of what to do on the first date, second date and beyond, contact me!

Top 5 Reasons Why Your First Date Didn’t Work Out

So with school starting back up for the kids, I thought I’d do a little Dating 101 prep course for everyone. Hopefully these helpful tips will aid you in finding a nice hibernation-mate come the winter!

Meeting

Men: You have to do the approaching. I know it’s tough sometimes but women want someone who is bold enough to overcome their trepidation and charge forward.

Women: Don’t make it harder for us than it needs to be! If you want us to come over, make sure you at least give us a smile or something. Believe it or not, the male ego is much more fragile than yours. Help us out.

General: If you keep meeting the same kinds of people in the same place you normally go to, branch out and try something different.

Cell Phone Etiquette

Men: Texts are fine for some back-and-forth but when it comes to setting up a date, women really appreciate a phone call. It won’t kill you.

Women: Please don’t be upset with us that we don’t like to talk on the phone as much as you. We’re just not built that way.

General: To alieveate confusion when a call is dropped, THE PERSON WHO MADE THE CALL is the one who calls back. This will save calls being crossed, unnecessary voicemails and time.

The Date

Men: A night hanging out with your friends is not a “date.” It should be just the two of you. And don’t think you only can do dinner/movie/drinks. Get creative, she’ll appreciate it.

Women: Don’t leave it all up to us. Give us some general likes or dislikes so we can narrow it down. Finding out you’re allergic to seafood as we sit down at The Chart House could have been easily avoided.

General: If this is someone you think you like, limit your alcohol to 2 or 3 drinks max. Nobody wants a sloppy date.

Paying

Men: For the first couple of dates, we pay. No it’s not fair, but there it is. Of course, if she genuinely offers to pitch in, don’t be rude and shut her down.

Women: At the beginning we expect to pay, but don’t pretend it’s a foregone conclusion. Make a polite attempt, it’ll make us feel good. As you date longer, don’t mooch off the guy. Pick up a tab here and there.

General: Tip well. The other will notice if you don’t. 15% is the new minimum.

End of Date

Men: If you decide to swoop in for the kiss, make it short and sweet. Don’t attack her. If she liked it, believe me, she’ll reach for seconds.

Women: If you’ve already decided that you we’re not your type, don’t let us believe the date is still going well. Otherwise we are going to feel like a fool. Stick out your hand and say “goodnight.”

General: Less is more. I know we are all very sexual people and we live in a wonderfully liberal world. But just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Let the tension build!

Post Date

Men: Forget the 2-day rule. If you had a good time on the date, let her know. A simple text, “Had a great night! “ will do just fine.

Women: Don’t try to over-analyze anything we did. We’re not that subtle. Take anything he said for face value.

General: Don’t play games about “being busy” or waiting days to reconnect. Everyone appreciates people being honest.

Gifting

Men: If you’ve been dating for more than a month, a card is expected for whatever event it is (birthday, Valentine’s Day, etc…) I know it sound lame to just get a cheap card, write a sentence, sign and give it to her but women will look at it as much more. You cared enough to actually think about and take time to do it. On the flip side, if you don’t get her anything, she’ll assume you DON’T think about her. After 3 months, you need to get a gift.

Women: Remember how nice you felt when that old boyfriend brought you flowers for no reason? Well we like to know we’re being thought of and appreciated also! Make it a 6-pack of nice beer or his favorite mag. It will delight us as much as flowers would you.

General: Don’t overspend. If it’s too soon, you’ll look desperate.

Dating 101

I am 28 and in real need of some advice on where to start looking to pick up some dates. I am not the bar type of person. I am bit old fashioned. I am more on the conservative side, go to church on Sundays, not a big drinker, etc. I am not athletic but wouldn’t mind improving in that area if it would help. Everyone I know met someone when they were in school. At this point those days are over for me. I have only a few friends and they are just not the social type. They are single. Stuck in the same old routine like me. I work from home so I don’t have coworker potential. My taste in music is on the retro side. I am into music from the 20′s through 50s. This makes it hard to socialize and hang out since I am not into any of the new stuff.

I like ballroom dancing but that just seems to get me always stuck in the older circle of people. Are there any young venues with places to go besides studios where you have to sign up for classes and monthly packages etc just to find out that there is no one that I am interested there? Going out on my own just isn’t going to work. I have no cousins my age. They are around 20+ years older, married with kids and live in another country. I have very limited experience with girls. Is there any hope for me?

It seems like I am stuck with a series of dead ends all around me.

Thanks for your time and advice.

Charlie

Hello Charlie and thanks for writing in. I get many letters like yours so I’m hoping that your situation could help others out there too. I know that when one thinks of the “single scene” in the greater NYC area, visions of bottle service¸ Dolce & Gabbana and $20 cover charges come to mind. And yes, while that is part of it, it’s only thought of because it’s so vociferous and in-your-face. This is the largest city in the country and there are plenty of opportunities of all kinds here.

Let me first start off with saying that to meet more people involves work and will involve some discomfiture. If it was easy, everyone would have someone. But if you don’t risk, there’ll be no reward. You also have quite a few things that you enjoy, so that will open the possibilities for you. You mentioned you like ballroom dancing, which is great as it’s so social! And let’s be honest, a man that can dance has a definite edge in meeting women. There is a studio in NYC called Stepping Out Studios (steppingoutstudios.com) that not only has their own, younger crowd of students, but they also hold events out at clubs where anybody can join without any sort of commitment. That way you can just dip your toe in if you want. I’m sure at the jazz clubs around you could find many Josephine Baker singers or check out 169 Bar in lower Manhattan for some “less up to the minute” music.

If you just don’t want to be anywhere where people are getting drunk, ZOG sports offers some fun extra-curricular activities to join such as Dodgeball, Kickball, Bowling or others. And please believe me when I saw that you don’t need any athletic ability to play/join these teams. It’s all tongue-in-cheek and can elicit a lot of laughter. You just have to have a good sense of humor. There are other leagues like darts or pool (which I belong to) that abound in this area that might be something you could look into.

Also, I know that some people look at internet dating as scary or holding a stigma but I am a big proponent of it. Now, don’t just do a scattershot approach. There are plenty of specific sites for say, Christian singles, singles who don’t drink, singles who like to dance, etc… Also, try meetup.com. They have an insane amount of groups that meet up around here from music to marketing to mixers. Whatever you enjoy, I will practically guarantee that there’s a group of like-minded individuals.
At the end of the day, if you do not change your own life, do not expect anything to change. Sometimes one has to go out on a limb to affect change. Look at it this way, the only thing you can lose is some time and energy. What you could gain could be sky’s-the-limit. Also, if you get rejected or something doesn’t develop out of it, don’t beat yourself up. It’s not that there was something wrong with you, it’s just that the two of you weren’t right for each other. Try not to take it personally, though I know that’s easier said than done. I was an actor for 10 years and I had to learn in my own head that when I didn’t land a job that it wasn’t a personal rejection of me, it’s just that I wasn’t right for that specific part right then. Bring out a friend with you to help you feel more comfortable if you’d like. Also, be honest with the people you meet, don’t try to play up to what you think they want. Someone is looking for someone exactly like you are now. Just do SOMETHING, otherwise nothing will change! Good luck and feel free to keep us/me updated!

Reader Letter

Just call me Dr. Date. It seems as if I’m the resident “doctor” of the group now. Have you ever met a doctor out socially and immediately start describing the weird pain you’d having in your tendons? That’s kind of what my life is like now. Any time I tell people what I do, if they are single, they start launching into this and that and last week this and next month that. I don’t mind, I find it very entertaining. Each person’s situation is so different from everyone else that it’s fun to pick it apart and see where to start helping. There are some things though, that are universal and can help everyone out.

One of the things that really bothers me is when people say things like, “I have the 100% guaranteed way to always meet girls!” or “Learn this 1 fact and never be lonely again!” It’s hogwash, frankly. Two words you’ll almost never hear me say are, well, “never” and “always.” These words get bandied about so much as to lose their power. Those two words are certainties and absolutes. And anyone that his lived even a few decades knows that life is far from certain. There is no magic bullet. There is no “sure thing.” Everything is a process, even dating. I compare it to tennis. No one can just pick up a racket, spend an hour or even a weekend learning how to use it and then jump right into a competition and expect to be on easy street. The same with dating, especially with dating. You are changing yourself and self is resistant to change. To learn how to hit the ball in tennis, you may hit the ball against a wall hundreds or thousands of times until it feels natural and second nature to you. Yet most people won’t put that same mentality towards their dating life. They feel as if every person, every approach or conversation might be “it” (and it’s true it might be) and if it doesn’t work out, they take it personally. For the guys out there, this would be in approaching women. If you truly want to improve, you have to practice, like in anything. The more times you go up and talk to a girl, the easier it will become until, like tennis, it becomes second nature. You don’t have to want to date the person to want to talk to them. Just last week I was hosting a dating event and there were two middle-aged ladies who were both sporting wedding rings. I was curious why they were there and went and chatted with them for awhile. They were fun and fascinating to talk to and when they found out what I did for a living they got all excited and wanted a bunch of my cards to give to people they felt could use it. Consider it honing your skills for the ones you actually DO want! Talk to your local barista, ask a woman on the street for directions, politely inquire about a book a fellow subway rider is reading. Practice, practice, practice!

One of my favorite quotes is by Albert Einstein (allegedly). “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.” I feel like this applies to a lot of women I meet. Whilst lamenting the sorry state of affairs of their dating life, they’ll ask for my help. When asked to describe how they are attempting to meet people, invariably I get, “We go out on the weekends to the bars or clubs or lounges.” Now this response can really set me to gnashing my teeth. I don’t mind this if you go out because you are enjoying being out with friends and meeting new people. The ones that get me are the people that say that they are truly looking for someone. If you keep looking in the same spots, you’re going to keep finding the same people. Expand your sphere of influence. Branch out. People in this area are very experimental with their food, trying new things all the time. Use that same mentality and search out other venues and locales that could be populated by like-minded singles.

Like any new activity, there is going to be a learning curve. That is okay, that is normal. Allow yourself to feel uncomfortable or uneasy. Any new routine will cause some discomfiture but that will decrease as you practice more. If you are truly to get out there and make it happen, you might want to look at things that you haven’t looked at previously. Just remember that this is a process, not a light switch. Don’t expect it to change immediately and don’t get down on yourself if it takes some time. Anything worth doing is worth doing right.

It’s a Process!